I've never been very good at goodbyes. I cry at the end of movies, and I hate it when a show I've come to know and love on Netflix comes to an end. I have a very hard time letting go. When my first love broke up with me, I cried for moths, didn't eat for weeks, and lived in dark state of emotions. I'm terrible at breakups and hate it when I finish up a really good book. I've never been very good at good byes.
A few days ago I got a message from a close friend of mine. Without getting into to many details, she said that we bring out the worst in each other and that it was time to move on. I felt the tears well up in my eyes immediately. I've never been told I bring out the worst in someone. I guess I'm not very good at friendships. My intentions are always good, but I somehow end up messing everything up. I let my overly competitive spirit get in the way, I let my vaulting ambition overshadow the fact that this is a real person, not a competitive meter. We've been friends for two years, which doesn't seem like a long time to most people, but I considered her a good friend. We had a lot in common: blogging, writing, DIY, minimalist lifestyle, fitness blender, eating healthy, lots of stuff. We met on Instagram and have since developed a fun, online friendship. There were days when I felt I annoyed her, or that I thought that she thought that she was better than me, (just writing that last line now shows how silly I was being) but for the most part I thought we were pretty close. I suppose I made the mistake of getting too close. I let my guard down, and I let my emotions take over. I let my competitive spirit reer it's ugly head and take shape of the devil and it's been down hill ever since.
I have to respect her space and what she wants. She doesn't want to be my friend anymore, and I must admit I'm taking it really hard. I've had bouts of crying spells, I go to message her and realize she doesn't want me to talk to her. I'm really sad. I feel awful that I let the bad parts about me get in the way of having a good friendship. I wish I could tell her how truly sorry I am and that I won't let me competitive spirit get in the way of being a good friend. But it's over now, and she's done and I have to respect that. Losing a close girlfriend is almost worst that losing a boyfriend. And by girlfriend I mean, a close friend who you can share stories with and laugh with. I don't like losing close friends and I'm not very good at rejection. Ever since we stopped being friends, my world has been turned upside down. You know the saying, "You never know how much someone means to you until they're gone" well that saying has knocked me on my ass. I cannot seem to pick up the pieces I shattered like a old, damaged mirror. Normally, I bounce back from things pretty fast, but so far I'm having a really hard time letting go of this.
i know I need to let go and move on. I know that tomorrow the sun will rise and eventually in time, the pain will heal and things won't feel as bad. But right now, I'm really hurt, the pain is there, and all I want to do is cry. Writing helps, thinking about my goals and focusing helps, but I miss her. There is one thing I've learned with turning thirty, you must respect people's wishes. You must let them go. You cannot force people to like you, you cannot force people to want to be friends with you.
You must learn, (I must learn) the art of letting go......