“Something is wrong with Bella.” I heard down the hallway with a fear in Shane’s voice I’ve never heard before. I got up, sleepy-eyed and groggy waking up from a deep slumber. I ran down the hall and saw her laying on the floor with her tongue sticking out, eyes open. My heart shattered in that moment as I knew she was gone. My brain didn’t want to accept it and I picked her up calling “Bella! Bella, wake up!” She wasn’t waking up and my heart started racing, tears streaming down my face. Shane put her on the ground and tried to resuscitate her, but she was gone. She moved on. Our little Bella Bear was gone in the blink of an eye, a matter of seconds that I’ll never get back. This small little cat that was so full of love that she could make any bad day seem like a distant memory.
We got Bella from a local rescue when I walked by her glass cage and she perked right up at me and instantly reminded me of the Halloween Cat. I knew in that moment I had to have her. I’ve been calling her the Halloween cat ever since. I’m thankful knowing she got one more holiday with us. I’m deeply sad that she won’t be around for any holidays moving forward. She was a bright spot, a welcome-home, a cat who would welcome anyone in her home with open arms. She was a kind, gentle soul and was soft and tender. Her coat was a beautiful combination of colors that sparkled in the sunlight. She would always sit in the window perched high, happy to feel the sun on her coat. Always happy. She was always smiling up until her last moments with us. She would do this adorable thing where she would prance into any room that we were in and give out slight meow. She would then guide us to her food bowl and ask us (in her own way) to fill it up even if it was full.
Looking back now, I realize that was her way of asking us for love and attention, not food. All she ever wanted was love. She would sit by me as I wrote and edited photos. She would be here next to me now if she was still with us. I would be sitting anywhere in our house and like clockwork, she would come and just sit with me. She was really good at just being in the moment and being with her people. When we took her home she acted grateful to be in a safe, good home. Such a bright light wanting to spread that light to others. She was a little angel and I’m lucky to have spent time with her, although it was not enough. It will never be enough. Time is a dirty, dirty thief and this life is fleeting.
I thought Bella would be here to help raise my first child, I thought Bella would be here with her brothers and sisters and live to be old and gray. Never in my wildest dreams did I think her death would be sudden, quick, and unfair. Never did I imagine I would spend my Sunday morning burying her in our backyard with tears streaming downing my face asking the questions of how and why over and over again. Never did I foresee spending Thanksgiving without her. People don’t walk around thinking like that.
I keep replaying in my head that last time I spent with her. Did I give her enough love? Did I make her feel how she made me feel? Did she suffer? My heart is broken and I’m devasted. The house feels empty without her and the energy isn’t moving. Everything feels stuck and sad. A cloak of darkness has swept over our usual bright home. The window where she used to perch in my office is empty and now there are only strands of puffy hair left behind. Her bowl is empty. Her best friend is hiding under the bed, he knows she’s gone and won’t eat or come out. He’s lost his best friend and needs time to mourn. We all do.
I don’t understand how this happened or why it happened. I wish I had more time with her. More moments, more kisses, more fur, more love. I can only pray that she felt as loved as she made us feel. I can only hope that I did the best I could to give her the best life possible. Never did I think it would end like this or at all. It never occurred to me that she would no longer be with us.
My little Bella Bear may light guide you into the darkness, may you turn into a beautiful little angel. May you have all the love and all the stars at your disposal.
You will be forever missed and never forgotten.