I remember the moment like it was yesterday. We were heading back to California after an amazing trip in Washington and I was sitting in the passenger’s seat of our Jeep sobbing. The last few months leading up to this have been some of the hardest months of my life. As I was sitting in our car crying while watching old videos of Harley I looked up at the car in front of us and saw it.
There it was screaming at me, begging me to say the word out loud. Persist was on written in bold bright lettering on the corner of a truck and I knew instantly that was my word for 2019. PERSIST.
2018 kicked my butt in more ways than I can count on my hands, but it also taught me all of the lessons and how patience truly is a virtue. We experienced so much loss in 2018. We lost Harley, we lost Shane’s mom, we lost…so much. There is another loss that took the wind out of my sails and sent me into a dark oblivion that I’m still crawling my way out of. Getting back to real life and attempting to get back into “the swing of things” has been challenging and unnerving. The loss that we’ve experienced through 2018 set my brain on fire and has forever changed me.
I now look at things differently. I have a perspective that I’ve never had before. I have a toughness to me that wasn’t there before 2018. I’ve let go of other people’s bullshit. I have a rawness and new realness to me that shocks even me sometimes. I’m hard and hollow, confused, hurt and broken. But I’m also strong, full of love, resilient and realized I truly can get through anything.
I released the burdens my parents have put on me my entire life. I can’t fix their problems and people only change if they truly want too.
I ended relationships in 2018 that were really toxic. You know the ones that you don’t realize how toxic they are until they are over? The vampire sucks that will literally suck the life out of you if you let them. It’s heartbreaking to have people like that in your life, and it’s a tough decision to let them go and not something I’ll ever take lightly, but sometimes it’s absolutely necessary in order to survive. Misery loves company and some people can only see the darkness. Some people do not have the ability to love. It’s not your fault and it’s certainly not your burden to bear.
Once I realized that, I let them go. I had no other choice.
2018 also brought many amazing, life altering moments. I wrote my first book in 2018 that I’m really proud of. I’ve always had it in the back of my mind that I would love to write a cookbook someday and when the opportunity presented itself, I jumped in head first, guns a-blazing. I learned a lot about people and myself writing a book. Who knew you could learn so much about other people while writing a book about food? Looking back, are there things I would have done differently? Maybe, but I think our experiences happen to us for a reason and there is a lesson in every single one.
2018 was full of all the lessons. Despite everything that’s happened, I’ve always been able to look at the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve always been able to look forward. There is always something to look forward to, you just have to look for it. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, even though, sometimes that light may be really dim, it’s there. You have to believe in the good. You have to believe that in the background the universe is doing everything in your favor.
My word for 2019 is Persist. Persist on. Persist through all the dark stuff, persist through the fear, persist through the good, persist through all of the experiences that shape us into who we are. Through persistence will come what’s meant to be. Persist through big, lofty, life changing goals, persist through anxiety, persist through work, persist through dating my husband, persist through marriage, and persist through love.
What’s your word for 2019? May the odds be ever in your favor.